wasting words on lower cases and capitals

i can be the solo player

2011-12-30T21:53:00.000-08:00

from the moment you walked into my life, everything felt so right
from the moment i looked into your eyes, i knew i had to make you mine
boy, you had me hooked on your love, but it was all a game to you
you drove a stake right through to my heart and left me bleeding for your love
i tried everything to prove i love you, gave my all to make all your dreams come true
but i'm no longer blinded by your lies, i know your heart was never mine
why am i the solo player in this game for two?
i’m the solo player, i know our love was never true
oh, i’m the solo player in this game for two
i can be the solo player, because love is a game for two.

like a skyscraper

2011-07-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning after a very draining night, stealthly got out of bed, making sure not to wake up my friends passed out among the square footage of our apartment, and to my surprise, i had an abundant amount of energy and ended up cleaning the entire apartment; emaculated for sure.

after finishing cleaning and taking out the garbage, i went to my computer, and i unbeknown to me as to why, i went to blogspot. it's 6 months since i last blogged, and a year since i entered my dramatic depression episode (remember that?), and i think i've decided it's time i started blogging again.

simply put, i miss it.

an internal battle as to whether or not i should delete previous posts was what i was faced with before i started typing this new entry. after much contemplation and the realization that it might be at times hard to see some of these past images and memories of times past, i think these blogs document key points in my life, reminding me of learning lessons that i carry with me today. these moments are a part of me, and i think it would be a shame for anyone to delete any part of them, no matter the circumstance.

a new chapter of my life has started, and i think it will be nice to document my life once more. i invite you to join me my new adventures, and i thank you in advance for doing so. <3

hello again

2010-11-28T00:23:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since i last blogged, but given that i can't find it in me to fall asleep or find my headphones to listen to music quietly without waking up my roommates, i've decided a blog was justifiably the right thing to do.

life has been a struggle these past handful of months, but i'm alive and hustling through. although i won't admit it to my family or friends, i feel drained ... emotionally, physically, and mentally. this year started off amazing. from that midnight kiss and dennis' first "i love you" to me at the stroke of the new year to moving to pleasanton and starting my new job in san francisco, 2010 started off as a great new year. spring came and went with plenty of happy memories, and the summer proved to be yet an amazing one with family and friends. but as fall came, coupled with the breakup, everything seemed to change. i would be lying to you if i said i had happier moments lately, but i'm not one to lie.

my new job at the asian and pacific islander wellness center keeps me focused and busy. although it has been quite stressful and demanding, it's the one thing that makes me smile these days. i really do enjoy my new job. i took a slight pay cut to accept this position, but with all i've done in the past two months, it has proved to be so beneficial. i have seen positive change created and implemented within the LGBTQ community our agency serves with the work i've done, and it is so invigorating. although life is a bit strenuous financially now, it makes me smile to see the lives and well-being of clients improve.

besides work, i have been spending a lot of time with friends. i've gone on a date or two, that have proved to be nothing more than mere encounters of new friendships. the one person that showed prospect has turned out to be in his own struggle of a past relationship, and i feel that it's not my place to put him through uncomfortable situations with his ex-boyfriend. i understand where his ex-boyfriend is coming from, and the nice guy in me is rooting for them in the corner to get back together. they seem like they really love one another, and as the biggest advocate for love, who am i to stand in the way? i don't think it's good for me to focus on a relationship. as hard as i try not to, it is very difficult to think about dennis and comparing these guys to him. i just find myself missing everything that we've had, even though i know he's moved on with another guy. i guess it just hurts because i always thought that i would be that guy. i miss him terribly so.

i haven't talked to dennis much since our breakup, but i did speak with him this past week. it comforts me and makes me smile that he is doing okay. his health is well and is focusing on finishing school. his family is good and little ol' buddy is chipper per usual. there's not a day that goes by that i don't think about him, but just hearing that he's okay makes it more bearable. i'm happy we're still in one another's life, even if it has been shortened to a phone call here and there.

i really don't know what i'm typing anymore. this is turning out to be emo word vomit. haha. i think all this rambling is a good sign that i'm falling asleep. i'll blog more often again, since this has turned out to be quite therapeutic. good night, world.

august 28, 2009 - july 15, 2010

2010-07-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

the best 10 months of my life. i'll miss you so much b.

=] (=

2010-06-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

summertimeeeee

2010-06-07T15:17:00.001-07:00

what a fun-filled weekend to bring in the summer! saturday morning started off with my long-awaited GRE exam, which i did well on. not as high of a score as i had hoped, but i did well. the best thing is knowing that it's over and done with! dennis came and picked me up after my exam was over, and we drove over to pier 39 for lunch. we had some burritos and beers on the pier and walked aaround for a bit, enjoying the sun and sights. we really missed one another, so it was nice to catch up and spend some one on one time together.

we decided to spend the night in the city to make things easier, so dennis got us a nice room at an extended stay hotel. we went grocery shopping for some items for dinner and breakfast, before checking into the hotel. as dennis relaxed and watched tv, i started making us a nice dinner; teriyaki salsa chicken fajitas. nom nom!

after dinner, we took a nap, and got up at 9pm and got ready for the comedy show. we got to cobbs comedy and saw an amazing show featuring jo koy. he was hilarious! passion opened for jo koy, along with adam and ty. it was jo koy's birthday, so he really did some funny stuff. the show was supposed to end at midnight, but since it was his birthday, he went on for an extra 30-40 minutes for free! we even got to meet jo koy and take a picture with him! once it gets posted online, i'll revise the blog to include the picture of us and jo koy. after jo koy, dennis and i went over to BOC for drinks. we got to see a lot of our friends there, so that was fun. after BOC closed, we went to get pizza and met new friends. it was a fun night!

we woke up sunday and i made breakfast for us, but we ended up not eating it and went to go get thai food instead after check-out. dennis' friends annt and sho met up with us, and we chilled for a bit before heading to the city for happy hour at toad hall. happy hour was a ridiculous mess. everyone was wasted by 5pm. it was nice to enjoy the weather and have some drinks and take fun pictures.

dennis spent the night on sunday and we got a chance to spend more quality time together. we woke up this morning, i called in sick, i paid some bills, dennis helped me get a money order to pay the IRS, and we got brunch at fatass mcdonalds. after brunch, we drove around a bit before he headed home to vacaville and i headed home to pleasanton.

yay for memorable weekends!

pathways are sugar coated runways

2010-05-25T03:35:00.000-07:00

as children, we're told that we all have paths; paths that lead us somewhere we are meant to go. other terms may have popped up synonymously, such as 'fate' or 'destiny' and as we grow into adults, we carry this knowledge and work tirelessly, sometimes at sacrificial lengths, to maintain and not to stray from this path. but as i sit here at 4am, exhausted from having befriended insomnia, i wonder if everyone has a path. they say we all do, but what if it was all a white lie to comfort those of us that don't necessarily have one?

instead of pathways, i strongly believe there are runways in life. and on these runways, we're all scrambling to take off. sure, a majority of us are successful and get to take off into new domains, new experiences, and new adventures, but a select few of us, don't ever get to take off. why? because someone has to stay behind and make sure those that enter runways make it out successfully. let's call them gatekeepers, so to say, that help ensure others make it out into the world.

these gatekeepers may enter your life, help you in more ways than anyone else has, and they might even love you to a point that no one has ever loved you before, but as you reach a point of take off, gatekeepers have an inevitable existence to stay put. sure, leaving them behind may be difficult and painful, sometimes seemingly impossible, but as you take off, and as time goes by, they're ultimately forgotten.

and you know what the saddest realization in all of this is? to these so-called gatekeepers, the process isn't linear. it's a cycle, and a lonely cycle to say the least. but alas, without them, how would any of us make it off these runways?

so, let it be known that pathways are nothing more than sugar coated runways.

bay to breakers

2010-05-18T10:40:00.001-07:00

i did my first san francisco bay to breakers this past weekend with b and his group of friends. bay to breakers is a 12k race that goes from one side of the bay into golden gate park and ends at ocean beach. dennis' friends dressed up as a group of waldos from where's waldo and i made us matching blue superhero outfits. we didn't run it, but we sure had lots of fun smoking and drinking and just enjoyed the sights and sounds ... and crazies. let's just say we peed A LOT. i even got a chance to meet up with the roomies and chrissy who made shirts with my picture on it to cheer me on! we went to chrissy's for a bit and drank some more before i met up with b and sherwin to head back to get ready for happy hour. all in all, it was a really fun (and exhausting) day. here are some pics:

me helping dennis pin on his bib.

18703 and 18743.

the starting line.

finally everyone is together!

one of MANY pee stops. oh, and i found a toy gun.

hike for hope 2010

2010-05-03T20:42:00.001-07:00

b and i did our first hiking event together this past saturday in sunol regional wilderness in sunol, ca. the event was hike for hope, and we both hiked in loving memory of our grandpas. here are some fun pics:

8 months

2010-05-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

april 28, 2010

a sunny sunday with b

2010-04-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

b and i decided to enjoy the beautiful weather today by spending it together outdoors. we went to dolores park for a fun picnic first, followed by a nice little visit to ocean beach. we had really yummy mexican food, too. nom nom. i love him more and more each day. (=

the four agreements

2010-04-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

the four agreements, written by don miguel ruiz

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
speak with integrity. say only what you mean. avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
nothing others do is because of you. what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. with just this one agreement, you can simply transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. under any circumstance, simple do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

the little things

2010-04-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

moments

2010-03-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

forever etched in my heart.

bedside manner

2010-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

bedside manner exists to give us hope, yet i wonder if it should be considered unethical to give bedside manner when there isn't any hope left. sure, we can all hold onto the fact that accepting that hope doesn't exist anymore is giving it up altogether, but isn't it even worse to give false hope to someone?

in any regard, i truly believe that giving someone hope, whether false hope or not, can only help. sometimes the very thing that allows us to receive strength that we wouldn't normally have to move forward comes from that little nudge someone gives us. and let's say someone does offer us false hope... i don't know about you, but i would rather recieve false hope, gain strength that i never knew i had, and push through to the end, even if the end result is failure.

life is about taking risks and chances, and if we recieve bedside manner, or hope, or whatever you want to call it, we should embrace it in its entirety, no matter what the composition.

valentine's weekend getaway

2010-02-15T16:21:00.001-08:00

i had one of the most memorable and enjoyable weekends of my life this valentine's 2010. after our gift exchange on friday, dennis spent the night and we watched bangkok love story and fell asleep pretty early. i woke up and made him breakfast, and we headed out to the city in the early part of the afternoon. here's a picture on the night of our gift exchange in my room.

we got to the city just in time for check-in. dennis got us a two-night stay at hotel tomo, a japanese themed hotel in the heart of san francisco's japantown. it was a really cute hotel. one review stated that if hello kitty and her friends were to stay in a hotel in the city, it would be at hotel tomo. here are some pictures of the hotel and hotel room.

we had dinner at a sushi restaurant in japantown and headed back to the hotel room to relax, change, and get ready for the night. we got a couple of pictures in right before we left to go out.

we ended up taking a cab to tony's apartment to pre-party before heading to BOC. we all hung out at tony's, pre-partied, and hung out. jesse and sho joined us shortly after we got there. we watched a little bit of ABDC and some youtube videos and listened to what tony calls the BOC soundtrack. sho ended up driving us to BOC later that night.

the night itself after we got to the BOC was pretty much a blur for me. and yes, i don't remember getting back to the hotel room, but all in all, i had a good time. we knocked out as soon as we got back to the hotel.

we woke up at noon the next day, and i had the WORST hangover ever. we got dressed and headed out to get some food. after food, dennis and i decided to go to twin peaks because the weather was so perfect this weekend. we took some pictures up top.

after twin peaks, we wanted to go see the movie valentine's day, but it was either sold out or had too late of a showing. we drove around a bit and met up with sherwin and andy for a double date dinner at nirvana restuarant in the 'stro. it was a really nice dinner and we had a lot of fun hanging out with each other. after dnner, sherwin and andy headed back to their hotel, and dennis and i went over to trigger to hang out for a bit. i got to meet new people as well as see some of my friends. dennis and i left trigger a little after midnight and joined up with sherwin and andy in their room just to kick it. mike d. was there, too, which was really fun. we watched the tele, ate snacks, and drank bubbly. we left at around 3am and went back to tomo to call it a night.

we woke up this morning, cleaned up, packed, and headed out to go get lunch before heading home. i can't describe how perfect the weather was these past few days. we ended up getting HECKA food and had a nice picnic outside union square. i really enjoyed it. here are pictures.

all in all, it was such a nice getaway. i'm extremely lucky to have dennis in my life. for once, it's nice to be able to make someone feel special and to feel special in return. i can honestly sit here and say i'm finally at my happiest.

northstar weekend trip 2010

2010-02-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

here are the long awaited pictures from our snow trip. enjoy!

dennis and me goofing off in bed on our first night there.

and yes, we were sober. haha.

our first trip up the mountain!

he never drinks enough.

it was so jam packed this weekend!

dennis on the lift.

taking a break after our first black diamond.

white and black.

on the very top.

scenic view. pretty!

i think this one's self-explanatory.

peppermill in reno.

last night in.

don't judge us! haha.

greatest gift ever

2010-02-13T11:47:00.000-08:00

dennis and i had our valentine's day gift exchange last night when he came over. he completely surprised me with the greatest gift i've ever received from anyone in my entire life... he got me a brand spanking new computer and monitor! yeah, you read that right. A NEW COMPUTER AND MONITOR. he knew that my computer was a goner, and he took the time and money to purchase a new one for me as my christmas, valentine's day, and early birthday present. it's so pretty!

we had a nice night in last night and watched bangkok love story, which was a really good movie. really sad ending, but altogether a great movie. i woke up early this morning and made the big lug a big breakfast. we're just relaxing a little bit before we start our weekend getaway in san francisco. i'll have a more in depth blog about our weekend when i get back.

happy valentine's day and lunar new year everyone!

thank you january

2010-01-31T17:34:00.000-08:00

the first month of this new decade started and ended with love.

shortly receiving my first midnight kiss on new year's eve/day, three words followed that will forever be known as how this new decade started for me. i can't pinpoint any words that could ever begin to describe how i felt in that moment. it was infinite.

and as i sit and type this short blog, january ends with love, just as it had started 31 days ago. dennis and i had our first weekend getaway together. he surprised me friday morning with a three-day, two-night stay in tahoe. as soon as work ended for me friday, i jumped on bart and bus and headed towards vacaville, where dennis lives. he picked me up from the bus station an hour and a half later, and we were on our way.

we checked in friday night, had a nice dinner with some drinks, and hung out in our hotel room, talking, taking pictures, and spending quality time with each other. saturday morning i woke up earlier than him, per usual, and went downstairs to get the big lug some breakfast. we scarfed down nom nom hotel breakfast food and got ready for the slopes.

northstar was GREAT. we got in around seven runs, including two runs on our first black diamond route! we got really cool pictures and a couple of videos i will share once dennis gets them to me. it was so nice to be able to do something out of the norm with b. he had a great time, too, which was great to see. it makes me so happy to see him smile and not stress, and this was a great way for both of us to spend some time with one another, do something fun and exciting, and relax from our hectic, busy, and stressful lives.

we headed back to the hotel room around 4:00pm and warmed up after our showers. we hung out in the room for a bit, took a quick nap, and got up and got ready for a little drive to reno for dinner and some gambling. we even got out and took pictures with the "welcome to nevada" sign! we ended up at peppermill in reno, had a nice dinner, and gambled for an hour or so. dennis lost $20.00 and like a true vietnamese, i lost $120.00. haha. it's okay though, i had a great time with b. dennis drove us back and we ended the night with some drinks and tv. we fell asleep around 1:00am, cuddling and keeping each other warm. it was nice.

we woke up this morning, got more hotel breakfast food, and packed to go home.

i surely will never forget this weekend. dennis means the world to me, and i am so happy he is in my life. it's calming to know that love, trust, and happiness are present in both our lives. i'm ever so thankful and blessed.

here's to 11 more months to an infinite 2010.

my love

2010-01-23T13:52:00.001-08:00

caramel apple first date, take two.

2010-01-23T13:49:00.001-08:00

as part of my two month scavenger hunt gift to dennis, we went to pier 39 last night to revisit one of our first dates together. and yes, we fattied out. nom nom.

raindrops both inside and out

2010-01-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

i think i've screwed up the best thing in my life because i can't seem to break the habit of being clingy and controlling. things are up in the air, and as i fight back tears, they fail to be contained and stream out knowing that it was solely me who is to blame. i love b, and i pray and hope that everything will be okay and that i will have one last opportunity to show that i can change.

avenue q

2010-01-16T15:47:00.000-08:00

i went to go see my first live broadway musical performance last thursday night in san jose with my best friend tj and b. it was nice to take tj out for his birthday. the show was really funny, a must see! my favorite characters were the bad idea bears. after the show, i got to meet one of b's really good friends joanne, and we went to tutti melon in union city for some froyo. we went home to my new apartment in pleasanton after froyo and called it an early night. i had so much fun. here are a few pictures.

me and b.

me and best friend tj.

tutti melon froyo with b and joanne.

looking forward

2009-12-31T10:30:00.000-08:00

2010 and onward: we'll do it all, everything, on our own.

christmas 2009

2009-12-25T10:32:00.001-08:00

as each year passes, and all of us get older, christmas traditions in our family have dwindled down a bit. in years past, when we were all children, our family would have the typical vietnamese family party on christmas eve, all the children would play games like hide and seek and video games, the adults would be drinking and eating the abundance of food and gamble with card games, bingo, and this one vietnamese board game, and everyone would wait up until midnight to open up presents, at the exact moment it turns christmas. my aunt heather would always facilitate the present distribution, and everyone would be in the same room, as all 30-40 of us watch people open presents. but, since all the children are now pretty much in their twenties, things have changed. it is a little sad, but i guess with time comes change.

what i noticed this year is that although family traditions do change with time it does not necessarily mean that new family traditions can't be made. as an adult now, i joined the adult festivities, drank heinekens until i was about to pop, drank two shots with my mother, had some wine with my aunts and uncles, and ate vietnamese (hot pot, spring rolls, etc), japanese (real sushi ... my family fishes), korean (kimchi ... my mother has korean friends, too ... if she only knew i was dating one. haha), and american (turkey, ham, mashed 'tatoes, veggies, egg and 'tatoe salad, french fries, etc) food for who knows how long. we had so much food. my mother did well this year. after i ate, i got a chance to spend some time with my grandmother; i drove her home so she could go to church. i love my grandmother so much. she's the main reason why i am the way i am today ... confident, honorable, and loyal.

before after dropping her off, i had picked up sister dearest from work, so my sister was able to accompany me on the drive home. when we got home, my cousins started slowly trickling in. we watched some family guy, the office, and other tv shows, and just hung out and caught up with each other. when all of us were present, everyone couldn't hold in the excitement anymore, so we started opening presents up at 10:00pm, instead of the usual midnight. i was so uset that they were so impatient, but i went with the flow. dennis called me right before we started opening presents so i was able to talk to mister handsome a little bit before the chaos happened. we opened presents for the next 30 mintues. i got three presents this year: my first pair of nikes, hair and body wash, and some peppermint chocolate sticks. i don't expect gifts for christmas, so getting anything, big or small, means a lot. i got dennis a coffee traveler he wanted and a $400.00 gift certificate/ticket to our hawaii trip in july 2010, i got my sister $100.00 worth of MAC make up, i got my cousin nancy $20.00 worth of MAC make up, i got my brother a pair of vans, i got my mother two lovely sweaters, i got my step-father a two-piece pajama set, i got my little cousin kylie an arts and crafts activity set, and i got my little cousin andrew a really cool blow-up sock-em bopper thingee-ma-jig. haha.

after we opened presents, i was going to go to midnight mass with my cousin nacy and her friends, but as we started driving we decided not to go and went to go hang out with her friend sean instead. we watched some vh1 before heading over to april's family gathering. while watching vh1, my phone started to beep at around 11:59pm. i assumed it was just another friend wishing me a merry christmas, but as i opened it up, i received my most favorite present of all this year. dennis sent me the sweetest text, wishing me a merry christmas and some other choice words that basically had me melting. it means the world to me. as i finished reading the text, it struck midnight. my last and greatest present ended up coming at midnight after all.

april's family gathering was a huge ass filipino gathering. we ate hella nom nom food, and then watched awkwardly as they opened their slew of presents. april was so sweet! i can't wait to hang out with her and get to know her some more. after april's we dropped off sean, and went to go pick up my sister, who was at her boyfriend's house. we got home at around 3:00am. i went to go change and brush my teeth and crashed immediately after.

i woke up this morning, put on a sweater, started blogging and had a nice christmas morning chat with mister handsome. i'll be hanging out with the fam bam today for a little bit and then heading home to castro valley. all in all, it was a great christmas. here are some fikkshures:

lil sister and big brother

fave cousin ... duh

my little siblings and me

the cousins, all grown up

this is when i started to feel the alky

Merry Christmas!

moments to live for

2009-12-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

i've been working at my new job for almost two months now at the vietnamese youth development center (vydc), and one of the most rewarding things about it so far is the amount of opportunities i get in connecting with the vietnamese culture. i get to work on my vietnamese (it's improved a lot), connect with vietnamese seniors and elders in helping them with english translation, and empower southeast youth and teens through mentoring and programming.

today we took a group of participants to go ice skating, some of which have never even heard of the concept of ice skating before, let alone go ice skating. the best part of the morning was when i taught a youth named van, a 6-year old newcomer from vietnam, how to ice skate for the first time in his life. after four laps around the rink, he was ready to go at it by himself. he was so happy and loved every second of it. we fell down a handful of times, but he thought it was the funniest thing ever to see my fat ass slip and fall repeatedly while trying to hold him up. it makes me feel wonderful to have been able to be a part of this defining moment in his life. i live for these moments and they validate every reason why i work with youth and teens in the non-profit sector. here are some pictures:

van and me.

van's first step onto the rink.

VYDC AYPS program team.

sushi boat

2009-12-20T23:04:00.000-08:00

sushi boat at valley fair mall. nom nom.
sister and cousin met dennis today. they both like.

live in the moment

2009-12-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

니작은 미소면 또 담담해지고, 니가 혹시나 내 마음을 알게 될까봐.
my face brightens up every time i see your smile, and i worry that you might notice my feelings for you.
----
as the last walls i've put up fall down, i find myself scared and excited for what is to come. the past four months have been wonderful, for a lack of a better word. he makes me feel things i thought i could never feel again and things i never thought could even possibly exist to feel. i find myself trusting him completely and opening up to the fullest extent, something i haven't had the strength or conviction to do in quite some time. i keep reminding myself not to let my natural tendency to rush things control my actions and scare him away, but it is quite a difficult task for me. i don't want to ever hurt again, and i don't him to ever hurt again. i believe that we've come to the conclusion that we both care deeply for one another, and as i slap myself with the reality that i need to take things slow, i find myself falling for him over and over each new day, as if it were a song on repeat. a new friend told me to stop thinking so much and to live in the moment, to cherish what is happening in the present and not worry so much about what the future brings, whether good or bad, expected or unexpected.

i have no idea why i'm typing these feelings down now, but it seems right to do so. i guess i just want to acknowledge that finally, after so much hardship and heartache, my life seems to be fitting on the right track, seemingly smooth for the time being, which makes me happy, something i've been struggling to find and feel.

i like where we are both going, and i guess the only thing i can do now is to just live in the moment.

well, that, and smile, because he really likes my smile. (=

mike, you're disappointing

2009-10-29T23:52:00.000-07:00

so i did what seemed like the impossible just now. i read every single blog i ever wrote on here and retrospectively looked at my life since i first started blogging. and i have to admit, i'm disappointed in myself.

i used to help people. i used to inspire people. i used to contribute selflessly to those around me and the world.

and now it just seems like i'm into how far i can get ahead in life, how much money i will be making and when i'll be able to pay off my debts, and how and when i can do new and exciting things to enhance my life.

what happened? i don't like it.

perhaps

2009-10-29T23:02:00.000-07:00

the human heart is interesting; it maintains life in two ways. as a physical entity, it gives us the very blood we need to survive. and as an emotional entity, it gives us strength and support from the feelings we give to others and receive from others. some call this love. some call this lust. some call it foreign. but it is what it is. the feelings we give and receive are a reality and they, in essence, maintain life through our emotional well-being.

but with that said, perhaps some of us give the best of our hearts to people who hardly think of us in return. it is a real shame to see someone devote their heart or give so much of their heart to a person who abuses them, neglects them, lies to them, cheats on them, or ignores them.

it is saddening, but i ask, who is the fool in these situations? should we blame those that are too weak to get away from the people that are detrimentally affecting their heart? or should we blame those that are just blatantly hurting someone because they know they have control?

when i see these things in fruition, it makes me think whether or not "wearing our hearts on our sleeves" is a good thing or bad thing. i am and always have been an honest person, and in essence have technically always worn my heart on my sleeve. i've always considered this a good thing. and if everyone did so, it'd be a great place to live in, right? one would think so, but what society tells us is that it isn't a good thing. in all actuality, it is viewed as a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve. why? because of abusers. because of neglecters. because of liars. because of cheaters. and because of insensitive people.

conclusion? although my heart will remain on my sleeves, i think i'll cover them up around certain people from now on. so if you're with me, and my heart is in your full vision, consider yourself someone who means a great deal to me and my heart. because you are.

tomorrow

2009-10-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

"half the night i waste in sighs, half in dreams i sorrow after, the delight of early skies, in a wakeful dose i sorrow, for the hand, the lips, the eyes, for the meeting of the morrow." -alfred tennyson ♥

sweet

2009-09-21T22:30:00.001-07:00

caramel apple weekend

2009-09-21T21:46:00.001-07:00

caramel apples, pier walk and talk, free exhibit, sushi and saki dinner, happy hour drinks, nice new people to meet and greet, cuddling, park lunch, drive home.

he makes me smile from ear to ear. <3

swoon

2009-09-18T18:23:00.000-07:00

moments like this are rare, so for memories sake, i just want to blog this so i'd always remember today.

him: i was kinda nervous but i was super comfortable during our meal and now i'm ok. i want to see you again.
me: i would like that too.
him: great.
me: (=
him: you're awesome. like a big ball of fun.

recreation

2009-09-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

the rec crew, two years after graduation. i miss them so much.

we're fortunate to have misfortune

2009-09-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

are you on one, mike? no sir.

i've realized today that those of us who are suffering through misfortune at the moment have it the best. what?!? makes no sense, right? clarification: sure, we're at the bottom of the pile; no car, no money, no job, no relationship, no [insert word here]. we get it. we're unfortunate. yet on the other hand, we need to realize that we can rise and become stronger people for dealing with misfortune, on whatever level it is. inevitably things will get better, and we, my friends, can make a statement our happier peers will never be able to make: i have been at the bottom, i know what it is like to be down there, i know how to conquer it, and i will never let it happen to me ever again.

even if we do not have the power to choose where we come from and what happens to us, we will always have the power to choose where we go from there.

stay positive out there. love forward.

the love of siam

2009-09-08T01:48:00.000-07:00

my favorite movie of all time. watch if you haven't. it is my gift to you.

after seeing it, watch this alternate ending. it's a little more hopeful.

and now that you've seen both, let's get together and discuss!

dear world

2009-09-08T00:30:00.001-07:00

dear world,

love, the most simplest of words, yet most powerful. we’ve read about love in poems and books, listened to melodies and lyrics about love in music, watched stories about love unfold on television and in movies, and experienced love in one form or another. i have been thinking, and i want to tell you something.

in the daily hustle and bustle we call life, we sometimes take love for granted. i believe that love is always around us. we tend to focus on all the negative things so it blinds us to see that it is there. love comes in many forms: family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, mentors, pets, and the most underrated of all, from within ourselves. i heard a saying earlier this week, that there is never such a thing as ‘too much love,’ and i agree wholeheartedly. they say too much of anything is bad for you, but i truly feel that this doesn’t apply to love.

what’s unfortunate is that sometimes in life, we can’t control what happens to us, and instead of reaching out to the sources of love, we run to negative things to try and escape the pain. sometimes we even hurt those that love us by ignoring, yelling, or acting out in an angry manner, taking our frustrations out on them. i don’t think we mean to hurt those that love us. i think that in the moment, we are so hurt and so upset that we want someone to share our pain, so naturally we turn to those that we know deep down inside love us unconditionally, and we hurt them to feel comfort. what we need to realize is that it is okay to reach out to those same people to talk, to share, and to let go.

we make mistakes. accept it. we make mistakes. embrace it. we make mistakes. but i think we need to acknowledge that life gives us the chance to turn it around and make things better. and the best way to do so is to humbly look up, reach out to those who love us, and stand up alongside them to move forward.

we need to take care of one another. i believe it is the right thing to do. and although there is so much pain out there, especially now, we need to realize that with love comes hope.

i close with my new favorite quote from a movie very close to my heart, ‘as long as you love, you will still have hope.’

love forward,

michael.

our LGBTIQ community is not a community

2009-08-25T05:09:00.000-07:00

education is a falsehood at times. pounds of information is crammed into our heads and the act of retaining even an ounce of it is a miraculous feat. i've learned throughout the years that the majority of what i retain in terms of my education is directly connected with what i've experienced in life. enter the profound concept of experiential learning. oooh ahhh. a key example would be the meaning of the word community and how that can directly impact a life; how it can save a life.

i was once told that the word community stems from two other words: communication and unity, two keys aspects of building a strong and supportive one. whether or not this is historically or grammatically correct is besides the point. the point is a strong and supportive community could not exist without open and honest communication and a true sense of unity among its constituents.

today, education was the one thing that did not lie to me. no falsehoods here, just an ounce of education i retained that experientially grew into truth, understanding, and acceptance. what i learned about community surfaced today, and i repeat, a strong and supportive community could not exist without open and honest communication and a true sense of unity among its constituents. and it is absolutely true. only downside, i experienced the exact opposite of what a community should be.

i have come to the conclusion that this so called community i'm associated with is not a community at all. a community provides strength and support. this one in particular provides abuse and dog-eat-dog darwinism.

being gay is difficult. acknowledging and accepting the fact that you are gay and making the decision to live as such is usually synonomous with sacrifices, headaches and heartbreaks, social outcasting, depression, and in some cases, suicide. and add in the fun factoid that you come from a traditional asian family? forget it!

i come from a very traditional vietnamese family. there is no community within a traditional vietnamese family that will give you strength and support if you are gay. it is similar with a majority of other asian cultures as well. so where do we gay asians in the bay area go for strength and support? the answer's easy! our bay area LGBTIQ-LMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ community! NOT.

i came out of a two year relationship that kept me (for lack of a better word) hidden from everyone else. we did our thing, and it was great. when it ended, i had two years of my human development non-existent in terms of social interactions with peers and colleagues in the LGBTIQ community, so when it ended, i naturally sought that community because i wanted strength and support in which i wasn't getting from family.

i poured my heart, i put my trust, and i spoke truth to each and every person i met. and to this day, i still do. why? because it's who i am. "limit what you say, mike." "word vomit will get you in trouble." "honesty killed the open book." I GET IT. we have to choose our words wisely because we never know when something will be used against us. did anyone ever stop to think that if we were all open and honest and wanted to bond genuinely that we wouldn't HAVE TO choose our words wisely?

APPARENTLY NOT.

i've become the martyr for being an honest person. do you want to play a game? it's called "we all know who mike is and what he strongly believes in, so how do we get at him so that we can hurt him?" how to play? it's easy. create rumors that hypocritically call mike out on everything he strongly believes in! fun!

this is my cry to the our so called bay area LGBTIQ community. and as sad as this will sound, this will be the last time that i will be open and honest with all of you. i type this with the fullest of heart and the highest of hopes that it will reach someone to a level that will help create change. it devastates me to say that some of us don't have support from anyone else BUT YOU. and how does it translate to us when the one place we go to for strength and support throws back rumors and lies so that we can "1-up" on each other? a horrendous translation.

shame on us.

michael van nguyen
08 | 25 | 09

vienna

2009-08-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

[vienna - billy joel]

slow down you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
but then if you're so smart tell me why
are you still so afraid?
where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you better cool it off before you burn it out
you got so much to do and only
so many hours in a day

but you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want
or you can just get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
when will you realize ... vienna waits for you

slow down you're doing fine
you can't be everything you want to be
before your time
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself
that you forgot what you need
though you can see when you're wrong
you know you can't always see when you're right

you got your passion you got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
when will you realize
vienna waits for you

slow down you crazy child
take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
it's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
when will you realize ... vienna waits for you

and you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want
or you can just get old
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

why don't you realize ... vienna waits for you
when will you realize ... vienna waits for you

500 days of summer

2009-08-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

i absolutely loved it. please go out and enjoy it. it is my gift to you.

i think if there's any lesson i took away from this movie, it's that sometimes we try so hard and force so much effort into something that we want that it ends up slipping from our grasps altogether in the end. what we should do is focus on our own life and just let things happen, a very go with the flow kind of thinking, but sometimes, letting accidental coincidentals happen may just be what we were looking for all along.

the magical moments we all so desperately seek sometimes are right under our noise just waiting for chance to pick them up and bring them into clarity.

Quelqu’un m’a dit

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos chagrins il s’en fait des manteaux.
Pourtant quelqu’un m’a dit…

Que tu m’aimais encore,
C’est quelqu’un qui m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore.
Serait-ce possible alors?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu’il ne nous donne rien et qu’il nous promet tout.
Paraît qu’le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou.
Pourtant quelqu’un m’a dit …

Mais qui est-ce qui m’a dit que toujours tu m’aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus, c’était tard dans la nuit,
J’entends encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits.
“Il vous aime, c’est secret, lui dites pas que j’vous l’ai dit.”
Tu vois quelqu’un m’a dit…

Que tu m’aimais encore, me l’a t’on vraiment dit…
Que tu m’aimais encore, serait-ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud,
Que de nos tristesses il s’en fait des manteaux.
Pourtant quelqu’un m’a dit que…

Que tu m’aimais encore,
C’est quelqu’un qui m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore.
Serait-ce possible alors?

sleeveless heart meets heartless sleeve

2009-08-01T09:42:00.001-07:00

as broken as i am, i always tend to magnetize myself to people who are also broken themselves. i don't understand why i tend to do this. it could be for comfort's sake. it could be the fact that i enjoy fixing things that are broken. or it could be the fact that i just enjoy helping other people become happier people.

i realized today, after some recollection, that it takes a toll on me. as some people rise out of my friendship with them happy and confident, i always tend to still be in this rut. yeah, you've heard me complain about this rut many times before, but i really want this to stop.

i think this whole mentality, however noble or just it may be, sets me up for failure. i tend to not get the guy i want. i tend to not get ahead. and i tend to not get any happier as each day goes by. call me emotional, but i really think i need to mend myself first before i can become superhero mike and help others mend.

wearing my heart on my sleeve is now on reserve for just a sleeve. my heart's on lockdown.

david

2009-07-25T17:12:00.001-07:00

wrapped up and drowned
in surround lights and sounds
blocking out past entities
to see me, is nothing more than
a mere mental victory.

with a record breaking leap
moving forward to forget
allowing this heart to reset
is nothing more than
a mere emotional bet.

as jaded as we are,
and no matter how far
or strong we've grown,
forgetting and winning
doesn't encompass everything.

i've come to realize
something about strength and size
that has allowed me to compromise;
davids become goliaths
only to meet other davids.

michael van nguyen
07 | 25 | 09

paper

2009-07-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

paper gangsters fold their paper hearts.

oh you know

2009-07-17T14:15:00.001-07:00

i'm asian and like asian things. like big bang. duh.

forgetful

2009-07-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

sometimes when so much is going wrong in our life, we focus so much on the negativity that we forget the things that really matter. on my run today, i realized this ... again. although i may be a a huge rut, and have seemed to be in a huge rut for quite some time now, i'm actually blessed with a lot of things.

i have a loving family and amazing friends and co-workers who are there for me, care for me, and are worried when i'm sad or hurt. i have a roof over my head. i have things to eat. i have two jobs that pay me for my hard work. i can see things. i can hear things. i can feel things. i can smell things. i can taste things. and most importantly, i am alive.

focusing on these positive things brighten my spirits up and put a smile on my face. i'm so thankful that i have these things in my life and thank God for it all.

trekking along

2009-07-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

there's always gonna be another mountain
i'm always gonna want to make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
it's the climb

[miley cyrus - the climb]

i get it kanye west. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. but in rebuttal, i ask you, the things that doesn't kill us, couldn't they still get us pretty battered and bruised? lately i've been feeling battered and bruised by what life's been throwing at me. and what's bittersweet is seeing and hearing about my friends getting ahead, receiving wonderful opportunities, meeting potential loves of their lives, buying new things, etc. and a part of me leaps in the air with joy and pure happiness for them, yet another part of me, well, is jealous that i never seem to get an ounce of that luck and good fortune. i feel bad for even typing that, but it's the truth.

i keep on telling myself to be patient and to just keep trekking along, and eventually something will come along to make me smile again. it's been pretty sad not to smile lately. and for me, a person that loves to smile and laugh, that's really sad.

eyes on the horizon, i guess. listening to miley seems to help a tad bit, too. yes, i enjoy listening to miley. shuddap. <3

frivolity

2009-06-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

although it never seems to be
as easy as one, two, three,
this game of push and pull
from me to you and you to me
is simply nonstrategic.
furthermore, what's tragic
is that i make moves
solely just to prove
that i can also win this game.
but what i don't understand
is how you can go from there to here
and in a second disappear
into fading light whose brightness
was only a hidden fakeness.
oh, but this isn't any novelty
this immature frivolity
is what i see on a daily basis
in our on-the-surface community.
let's awake from mistakes
instead of blacking out from doubt
let's finally gain from pain
instead of having cost from loss.
let's be who we want to be,
honestly.

michael van nguyen
06 | 20 | 09

armor

2009-06-13T00:47:00.001-07:00

arms up in defense
usually doesn't make sense
to people like you or i
so i ask why
is it so that everyone
is in like stance
ready for retreat or reprimand?
is it due to the repetitious drain
from a tired and bleeding heart's pain?
is it derived from that melancholy song
that always sounds so wrong?
is it erupted from a crater of hate
which, jaded and all, makes us wait?
or is it inevitably a battle
we're too naive and immature for?
so before you open your mouth to say
certain things about my conservative ways
i challenge you
to put on your ethical armor
and we'll see who will be calmer
in a moral fight to the death.

michael van nguyen
06 | 13 | 09

yay new hampshire

2009-06-03T15:01:00.001-07:00

new hampshire became the 6th state to legalize gay marriage today. now only if california could follow suit and do the same ... eh, someday.

maybe, eh?

2009-05-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

the truth hurts

2009-05-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

where does one turn to these days for comfort when friends are scarce due to post graduation life, unmanageable differing schedules, or overly exaggerated drama?

a computer screen and keyboard.

do you know how depressing that is?

depressing enough that i'm not even going to finish this blog because finishing this blog will ultimately make me realize that my exact point is concretely true.

glee-fully happy

2009-05-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

GLEE.

i can't express how much i adore this new show. can't wait for fall.

i am

2009-05-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

as i grew up in a prodominently caucasian community, i became what many call "americanized" or "white washed" and it never really got to me. i was proud to be called these "names" because it gave me a sense of connection to our great country and pride in being an american. don't get me wrong, to this date, i am still very grateful and proud in being an american and living in what i think is the greatest country of all, but within the past week, i've been exposed to so much vietnamese culture, it has been amazing wonderful, and it made me just as proud to call myself vietnamese.

as most know by now, my grandpa's passing two months ago shook my family. it was our first real taste of saying goodbye to a loved one. there were mixed emotions, pain, and depression. but my grandpa's passing gave me my first real look at my cultural background and culture. through seeing everyone in my immediate and relative family gather to honor and celebrate my grandpa, i finally felt what i lacked in feeling as a child: a strong familial connection and a strong cultural connection.

through the prayers, ceremonies, and just overall celebratory get togethers to honor my grandpa, i got to know not only the buddist and catholic religions and prayers, vietnamese culture, but i recieved the opportunity to see beloved aunts, uncles, and cousins whom i haven't see in decades. i even met family members whom i never met before. it was a great feeling to have.

my mom and some of my aunts and uncles just recently got home from their trip to vietnam, and my mom sat my sister and i down a couple of days ago and watched some video footage of the homeland. it was such a different place. i really want to go back to vietnam to experience everything. and what's more, the thing that completely made me tear up and appreciate everything is how much family i have in vietnam. i learned that on my dad's side i have twelve aunts and uncles i've never heard of or met. they all sent messages to my sister and i, wishing us happiness and health and success. they also sent their love to their big brother, my dad, saying that they miss him and can't wait to see him again. it was so heartfelt, i couldn't help but cry. and the thing that threw it over the top was my dad's dad, my other grandpa, who is healthy as an ox at age 75 who said among other things that he is keeping in good health and loving his life just so he can see my sister and i and hold us for the first time. he said as soon as he does that his life would be complete. how are you gonna tell me that isn't the most heartfelt thing you've ever heard of? sigh, i'm tearing up now just thinking about it.

this weekend i also watched sjsu's pcn (pilipino cultural night) and it kind of tied everything i was feeling all together. although it was filipino culture, it validated my feelings for having a strong cultural connection. i think it is wonedrful that we live in america and can call each other americans, but i think there's also a huge value in having a strong connection to your culture and ethnic background. i don't think i've ever been this proud to say i can speak vietnamese or never been this proud to call myself vietnamese.

hi, my name is mike, and i am vietnamese american.

oh, whitey

2009-05-07T19:49:00.001-07:00

can you not roll around in leaves after i give you a bath?

king's cup aftermath

2009-05-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

i went to hang out with my friends nels, sammy, and mimi for cinco de mayo in oakland a few days ago and had a great time. i hadn't seen these guys for months, and it was great to catch up. sammy and mimi recently moved out into their own place, and since nels came up to visit for the week, we spent some time with them in their new humble abode. we ate pizza and played king's cup and i've never, and boy, was it fun! let's just say a lot was revealed that surprised me. we woke up the next morning and had lunch with mimi at her work and i headed home. quick break in the routine, but it was good to spend time with friends. oh, and gin is actually not that bad.

over my head

2009-05-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

[over my head - ne-yo]

so i had someone, you had someone
we started out as nothing more than friends, oh oh
but as the time got spent,
i started liking spending time with you more than him, oh oh

and it wasn't what i meant to do,
started thinking about kissing you
accidentally, accidentally, oh oh
suddenly out of the blue,
guess she was thinking about it, too
'cause you kissed me and he saw it

damn, damn

i might be over my head
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
this is not what i expected
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
i kinda like it, oh
said i kinda like it, oh oh oh

so of course he started acting crazy,
wound up punching you in the eye, oh oh
he felt like the man but i felt bad
so i called you later to apologize, oh oh

and it wasn't what i meant to do,
started thinking about seeing you
accidentally, accidentally, oh oh
suddenly out of the blue,
guess she was thinking about it, too
'cause you came to get me and he saw you

damn, damn, damn

i might be over my head
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
this is not what i expected
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
i kinda like it

this is so crazy and so hard
their fighting over me in the front yard
i don't know who i should root for
but there's one thing i do know

i might be over my head
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
this is not what i expected
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
i kinda like it

i might be over my head
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
this is not what i expected
a little over my head, but i kinda like it
i kinda like it

a little over my head
a little over my head
a little over my head
a little over my head.

barista mike

2009-04-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

"can i get a drink started for you?"

yup, that's my new tagline. that's right. i got a job today! i'm so excited and happy. i haven't had a happy moment in such a long time, and i am so grateful and thankful that God blessed me with this job offer today at starbucks.

i woke up extra early this morning at 5:00am, made some breakfast, did some chores for my siblings so they didn't have to do them, took a shower, shaved, got dressed, and headed out the door to catch the bus at around 6:15am. i walked to the bus stop reading over the notes i had jotted down the night before when i researched the company. i went over in my head their mission and vision, products and services, company history, and how this all related to my career interest with their company. it was really cold, but maybe it was because of the ice cold water bottle i downed to wash down my meds and vitamins. i got on the bus at around 6:30am and got to the starbucks 10 minutes early. to be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late. remember that.

i went in and greeted the two baristas working there that morning and told them i was there for a meeting with the manager. i learned their names and took a seat. the manager ended up showing up 30 mins late, but no worries, i'm patient. the line got mad crazy and she didn't end up interviewing me until an hour after the originally schedule interview time.

she sat down, i told her about myself and my attributes and qualities, answered some more questions on customer service and my career interest in starbucks, and just had an overall nice conversation. it turns out we both started our work expereinece with longs drugs when we were teenagers, and i just totally connected with her, and vice versa. in turn, i asked her some questions about her experience with the company and what she liked most about it and what she was looking for in a candidate.

my heart leapt when she told me she was looking for someone like me for the past 8 months. she hadn't hired anyone for 8 months and was holding out for what she called the perfect fit. we talked for another five minutes, and she excused herself to go look at the schedule. she came back out, smiled, and said ten words that made me want to cry for joy.

"mike, you are the perfect fit. you are starting monday."

although i will be starting off as a barista, she said that the opportunities for someone as qualifiable as myself for advancement is a good one. i just need to delve into the job, learn about the company, and buy into the company and prove that it's the career that i want, and i would be qualifiable for assistant manager by the end of the year.

i want to thank those few friends who always were by my side, making sure i stayed positive about life, even if i wanted to give into the all the negativity in my life. i was sure blessed today, and i'm surely not going to let this wonderful opportunity slip away.

lost causes

2009-04-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

don't give up on your lost causes.
you never know when your luck may change.

[dawson's creek, season 2, episode 6]

so cal

2009-04-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

i went down to so cal this past weekend to celebrate jay's birthday. we had a great time. it was nice to break away for a few days and just forget about stress and drama in the bay area. we started off the trip with pho and catching up on survivor on tivo thursday night.

we left early friday morning for the road trip. stopped at starbucks first of course. after a few hours, we stopped in kettleman for some grub. had us some subway sandwiches. yum yum in my tum tum. we ended up getting to LA a couple hours later. we checked into our hotel, and chilled for a bit. the hotel was really nice. it reminded me of the boardgame candyland. my favorite part of the hotel room was the balcony. it had a palm tree that i named "palmy." creative, i know. we left the hotel room for the americana to meet up with mark and ervin for dinner. we ate at bj's. jay got a nice pazookie b-day surprise after his pot roast. my sandwich was really good. mark and ervin got a sandwich, too. after dinner, jay and i said bye to mark and ervin and went to borders to look for a new journal for me, but no such luck. we went back to the hotel and got ready for the night. we met up with mark and ervin again at rage in west hollywood. we started drinking and once the dance floor opened, we started to dance. yeah, i got drunk. shuddap. we ended up leaving before they closed and headed back to the hotel. no recollection of the walk back. ugh. hot mess.

i woke up at noon on saturday. yeah, noon. i got my haircut down in LA because the long hair was not working. we spent the rest of saturday walking around the promanade and shopped a bit. we even got pinkberry which was nice. there was a cute guy that was flirting with me at pinkberry, and i, in turn, stuttered when i opened my mouth to flirt back. it was utterly the epiome of an epic fail. i don't know why i'm such a dummy sometimes. actually, i hate it when i stutter. i mean, who stutters at 25? such a lame-o. we went back to change for the club after the walk. we ended up going back to rage saturday night. i met some cool new people, and jay almost got kicked out of the club for letting an underage girl drink from his glass. in his defense, she was already drunk, so we both assumed she was of age. i had a better time saturday than friday, but all in all, rage was kind of a disappointment. you live, you learn. again, no recollection of the walk back. ugh times two. hot mess times two.

we checked out of the hotel at noon sunday and headed to go get some food. got mcdonalds. i know, i hate mcdonalds, but hey, i was hella hungry. we drove to huntington beach and chilled there while i made my youtube video for the collab channel. it was so nice! i loved the beach. way fun. we started to walk down to the pier, but decided to go get korean bbq instead. i ate so much food. you wouldn't believe how much i ate. i usually am a picky eater, but for some reason, i wasn't that day, especially there. after korean bbq, we drove to our second hotel and checked in. IT WAS AMAZING. it had everything an apartment had. jay took a nap while i made my youtube video while watching jurrasic park. took a shower and got ready and we left the hotel for a walk down santa monica blvd. checked out the abbey. totally cool place. i would easily get lost there. then we grabbed a drink at mickey's and chilled for a bit there. we ended leaving and getting sushi, and afterwards, went to rage to get our drink on for half price. we headed back over to mickey's as soon as 10:30pm hit. i LOVED mickey's. it was way fun. i got hit on by two guys. no number exchange and no hookup like usual. pat on the back for not compromising myself even on a trip to LA. and once again, no recollection of the walk back. ugh times three. hot mess times three.

checked out at noon and joined mark for lunch at noodle time. results: injection of salt. haha. we said bye to mark and headed back to the bay. i slept most of the way (sorry jay). we met up with jay's friends jen and roquelle and had pho for dinner. totally nice girls. love 'em. OH, and we had froyo at the BEST place ever. yes, i'm going to say it, i found froyo that is BETTER than my pinkberry. it's called fraiche (pronounced "fresh") in palo alto. totally yum yum in my tum tum. jay dropped me home and i got to see my siblings and doggies. they all missed me. caught up with my emails and internet stuff and now i can't sleep so i decided to blog.

all in all, it was a great trip. it was great to celebrate jay's birthday and get to know my friend better. any new realizations of jay? i found out that he is a very cautious person. no rash decision making for jay. and i've come to realize that i'm a real grump in the mornings. haha.

it was also great to see my friend mark again. his friendhsip means a lot to me, and it was nice to see him in person. i also got to finally meet ervin, which was very nice. ervin is a very intelligent and caring person. i'm glad i got to meet him, too.

here are some pics we took. another great trip for the books ... and my heart and soul. very much needed. <3

nice guys (part two)

2009-04-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

so as you can recall in an earlier blog called "nice guys" i wrote earlier this month, i confirmed that us nice guys finish last.

i realized something today though. finishing last isn't necessarily a bad thing. i always viewed it as a bad thing, but today, a new thought popped into my head. yeah, we may feel we lost something because we didn't finish in first or second or even tenth place, but finishing up last gives us some things that those that finish before us may not have had the opportunity to experience.

humans hustle and bustle and rush into things that they may feel is right, but us nice guys that finish last may get to take the time to experience life and gauge whether or not we enjoy certain things in life or the type of person we are and the type of people we want to associate ourselves with.

and what's great is that when we DO cross that finish line, the prize that we get is far more substantial and rewarding than that nice fancy trophy the others get that probably will rust or corrode in a handful of years.

our sense of self, truth, honesty, and strong values are forever.

will you?

2009-04-21T17:16:00.001-07:00

say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
so will you bring a better future than i had in the past?

permanently knocked down

2009-04-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

[knock you down - keri hilson ft. ne-yo and kanye west]

keep rockin' and keep knockin'
whether you louis vuitton it up or reebokin'
you see the hate, that they're servin' on a platter
so what we gon' have, dessert or disaster?

i never thought i'd be in love like this
when i look at you my mind goes on a trip
then you came in, and knocked me on my face
feels like i'm in a race
but i already won first place

i never thought i'd fall for you as hard as i did
you got me thinkin' bout our life, our house, our kids, yeah
every mornin' i look at you and smile
'cause boy you came around and you knocked me down
knocked me down

sometimes love comes around
and it knocks you down
just get back up
when it knocks you down
sometimes love comes around
and it knocks you down
just get back up
when it knocks you down

someday

2009-04-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

happiness will come. someday.

new friends a la hunters

2009-04-12T04:22:00.000-07:00

hunters on friday 04.09.09

i love making new friends ...

... especially new friends that like to take pictures and share.

yay rafael!

did you miss my-k face?

2009-04-11T18:45:00.001-07:00

the second kiss

2009-04-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

i had a pretty in depth realization yesterday.

a majority of people always talk about how amazing their first kiss is with someone. i mean, it's a given, you'll always remember that first kiss with someone. however, if you think about it, first kisses are usually memorable because they're all technically the same: passionate, exciting, and a rush. the reason? well, it's built on the foundation of that chase we all go through when we first see someone we are attracted to. we see someone we like and if by chance they are attracted to us as well, that first kiss is passionate, exciting, and a rush because we attained what seemed to be unattainable.

my realization is this: i would take a second kiss from someone over a first kiss any day. why? that second kiss has SUBSTANCE. it's usually more meaningful. here's a test. think about all your first kisses. all of them. got them in your head? me too.

now think of those same people. out of all of them, how many of them did you have a second kiss with? i would venture to say it's a much significantly small number. and why? second kisses prove that there was something more there than just that physical attraction.

i've technically only had one real second kiss. and that person and i had a long two year relationship. although it didn't work out in the end, it makes me appreciate what i had with him. i can sit here with this realization and know that NO ONE else had that experience with me, that second kiss.

sure, i would love to have that second kiss once more. i know it will happen one day, but it's going to have to wait until i'm ready for it. so here i sit, waiting for my second second kiss.

beau-dacious

2009-04-09T09:15:00.001-07:00

can kris just be gay and marry me already? kthxbye.

proverbial sunrise

2009-04-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

rise and shine to a better day and a better me.

change

2009-04-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

this change became
as a result of the game
that i played open hearted
and as it started
there was no real sign of resign
or no real thought of
intricately separating them apart
from one another.

instead i went ahead
and trusted blindly
and pretended to see
that what was in front of me
was emulating and relating
but in all actuality
they were just mere
falsehoods.

a sunrise in my mind
brought out my best
and compressed
my depressed state of mind
and what i have left for you
is a simple hope of pure truth
this change will result
in a stronger, better me.

michael van nguyen
04 | 05 | 09

nice guys

2009-04-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

yeah, we finish last.

why is it that a nice, conservative, innocent guy like myself never gets anywhere in life? i am always true to who i am and what i believe in, and this world around me seems to give victories to sluts, liars, assholes, and fake people.

even at my weakest and most humble state, i sit and i wait, as broken and stripped as i could be, only to witness others grabbing and attaining what should be rightfully mine.

and what's more, i even questioned myself and went against everything i believed in for one day and tried to facade a person like those i mentioned before only to find out it felt wrong doing so.

realization: it seems to be a lose lose situation every time.

my last name is pronounced "win" ... shouldn't i naturally win sometimes, too? one would think so. i'll let you know when i do.

depression hurts

2009-04-01T02:13:00.001-07:00

enough said.

pacey's pond

2009-03-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

oh wait, it's called dawson's creek.

yeah, add it to the favorite tv shows list.

kthxbye.

differences

2009-03-29T20:14:00.001-07:00

fill me with love
until i burst and exude
to each of you
honesty and truth
but you all see
that of which i don't see
i tend to trust too much
which leads me to rush
into the arms of masked strangers
with no danger sign
to leave it all behind
and resign to run away
is sweet to these ears
and dear to this heartache
but alas, to be fake
is something you all do well
and something naive little me
could and will never be.

michael van nguyen
03 | 29 | 09

dancing

2009-03-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

i realized yesterday that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they dance on the dance floor. sure, the dance floor is a place to express oneself through music and have a great time with your friends. i get it. but could studying someone's dancing let you know a little more about them without even talking to them? i think so.

i noticed that there are two types of dancers. there are dancers that shut out the world and do their own thing on the dance floor, not caring who's watching or what's being said about them, and there are dancers that need someone else there to dance in order to dance themselves. i notice that those dancers that need someone else to dance with them usually are the freak dancers. you know the type, bump and grind and get down to the floor type of people. i'm not one of those dancers. i mean, i've tried it, but it just doesn't work. i just end up looking stupid for even trying to be some kind of ghetto that i could never be. dancing on my own suits me well. i like to maintain my independent vibe. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying those dancers that need other people aren't independent. i just think it's interesting that they feel like they need another person in order to feel like they can let loose and dance. i mean, if you're already going to be dancing, why not break off on your own and show some individual expression? but then again, those independent dancers like myself have problems when it comes to dancing with another person. it's quite a funny sight to see me on the dance floor when i guy comes up to me and grabs me and pulls me next to him and starts grinding on me. the reaction on my face is usually priceless. the response is always the same, i make a face, i try it for ten seconds and feel toatlly awkward and out of place, and then i turn around and break away on my own like how i was ten seconds before. it's really funny.

i like the fact that i can be independent on the dance floor and still have a great time. it was a great realization to have that i don't need other people to be with me to have a great time.

now only if i can extend this mentality into every other aspect of my life, especially relationships.

you had me at yellow

2009-03-25T19:15:00.001-07:00

my yellow hoodie came ...

... but i can't do scout's honor.

done

2009-03-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

i guess some friendships aren't meant to last forever no matter how hard you try to work on them. i think we need to take what we can and learn from the people we encounter in life and not force something to last longer than what it was intended to last.

i'll miss my bquadf.

only if

2009-03-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

baby i didn't love you
quite as often as i could have
baby i didn't treat you
quite as good as i could have
if i made you feel second best
[boy] i'm sorry, i was blind

but you were always on my mind
you were always on my mind

tell me, darling tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
and give me, give me one more chance
to keep you satisfied

you are always on
you are always on my mind.

[anoop desai, always on my mind]

toll

2009-03-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

work is taking its toll on me. i'm exhausted.

oh, and having no car doesn't help either. i stayed up working until 1am last night finishing up a project for work and slept at around 1:30am only to wake up late. now i have to run to the bus, wait for the bus, take an hour bus ride to work, and get in hella late only to work my ass off for another day.

i hope something will show soon.

on another note, i'm proud i resisted multiple invitations to go out last night. i can only imagine what state i would be in right now if i had gone out for st. patty's. i probably would have had an emotional night, have the worst imaginable hangover, not done my project, and STILL be late to work. so i guess it could be worse.

go me for being responsible. responsible is the new fun?

i'll just keep telling myself that to make me feel better.

my wish

2009-03-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

i hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
i hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
i hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

but more than anything, more than anything,
my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
you never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
i hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
yeah, this, is my wish.

i hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
i hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more than you take.

but more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
you never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
i hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
yeah, this, is my wish.

[rascal flatts, my wish]

friendship

2009-03-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

i'm realizing that letting go is universally hard. it doesn't matter if it's a boyfriend/girlfriend, a close friend, or even a family member. letting go of someone who you had a deep connection will always be difficult. sometimes we hold on, hoping that with our presence they'll turn out okay, they'll heal, or they'll grow, but sometimes the only real way of them really to be okay, heal, or grow is for us to let them go, let them make their mistakes, let them learn, and let them realize that they lost something that really meant something to them.

the only real difference between a true friend and a friend that just gave up on something is defined in the moment if and when they do come back after they've make their mistakes, after they've learned, after they've grown. a true friend will have always been standing there with arms wide open waiting for their friend to come back to reality. a friend that just gave up would have already been long gone and who would be no where in sight.

if you've gotten a chance to become my friend, you know i'm a good one to have in your corner.

i guess i'm just kind of bummed that i'm finally realizing that this hero mentality of mine can't work all the time. i'm just sad to see friends struggle, especially this one.

dear fish

2009-03-16T00:12:00.000-07:00

dear fish,

a month and a half ago i found you swimming wounded and alone. you were strong, yet i saw that you needed some help. i jumped in and swam with you. this new current helped you get back into the groove of things as you healed slowly but surely. however, i found you today in the most surprising of states. it makes me extremely sad to see you thrown off course when objects and things interrupt your growth. a part of me wants to swim harder and faster to help you get back to where you were. another part of me wants to get out before i start getting thrown off course, too. but what kind of friend would i be if i did that? i'm willing to swim with you, fish, always. but please, swim with me ... not against me.

love,
mike

remember it

2009-03-15T20:57:00.001-07:00

stand

2009-03-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

'cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of
you might bend 'til you break
'cause it's all you can take
on your knees you look up
decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong
wipe your hands, shake it off
then you stand

[rascal flatts, stand]

quarter of a century

2009-03-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

i'm 25. yay!

paper gangsters

2009-03-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

sure they look good on paper. i'm talking about the ones who we think are mister or miss right.

we've all done it, and it's even actually a never-ending routine for some of us that we just can't seem to get out of. you know, we see someone we are attracted to physically at first, talk to them, get to know them, and because we miss being a relationship so much or feel so lonely that we immediately jump the gun and make that person the one even though they really aren't.

what do we call these people? paper gangsters.

i say we break the routine and not settle for less. settle for more. and if you catch me doing otherwise, please, i invite you, no urge you, to call me out on it.

stripped and polished

2009-03-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

all of my friends seemed so happy today when i called them and spoke with them over the phone during my long work shift, and although my life seems to be very miserable right now, it brings a smile to my face that they are so happy. really, it does. from a day out shopping to a nice long run in the park to a nice get to know you date, my friends seem to be doing just fine, and it's great to see them so happy. if any people deserve to be happy, it's them.

i'm so exhausted of working so hard and seeing so little return.

i sit and wait for my chance for happiness, too, and it never seems to come when i need it most.

here's to happiness ... hopefully soon.

five year plan

2009-03-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

yup. i made one. in five years ...

... i will be debt free.
... i will have saved up at least $5,000.
... i will break away and relocate.
... i will start over with a fresh new beginning.
... i will be happy.

let's check back in five years, shall we?

*edit: that'll be march 2014.

lobster

2009-03-04T00:13:00.000-08:00

what you had to say today
will push me away
only to stay
in this drained state of mind
the kind that stares at walls
or the kind that just wants to fall
endlessly into self-remorse
and of course
the lack of faith in love
will rise above
that sense of security
from the one i use to call
my lobster

michael van nguyen
03 | 04 | 09

grow up mike

2009-03-03T20:09:00.000-08:00

after hitting the wall repeatedly, i'm finally realizing that it's just not going to break no matter how hard or how much i hit it.

call it giving up. call it being defeated. call it what you will, but one's thing's for sure; i'm getting up, turning around, and walking away. it's painful and hard, but it's needed. as i walk away, i realize that my ever so high hopes and dreams of finding my soulmate or my lobster is a battle waiting to be lost.

reality check: there aren't soulmates and lobsters. sorry folks.

all my life i'd thought i'd find that special someone, fall in love with them, and grow with them both individually and connectedly within the relationship while creating great and lasting memories. i thought he was out there. i thought i found him. and you know what? i think too much.

soulmates and lobsters are for rookies.

i'm in the big leagues now and better off on my own.

admitting fault

2009-03-03T02:19:00.000-08:00

i admit it. i miss waking up to someone smiling at me.

i admit it. i miss someone there to hold me when i'm sad.

i admit it. i miss having those special moments with someone.

i admit it. i miss laughing uncontrollably because of someone.

i admit it. i miss being loved unconditionally for me.

i admit it. all of it.

phases

2009-03-01T13:01:00.001-08:00

music defines most of my life, and i listen to all types of music and love discovering new music. lately i've realized i go through musical phases with the guys i either date or like. these phases have me listening to certain artists or groups almost religiously. it's quite lame, but it's a good realization to have. playlist please?

r = daughtry/keane
j = estelle/a fine frenzy
a = big bang/tae yang
j = david archuleta/lady gaga
m = shayne ward/darin

thanks bquadf for pointing this out, ya betch!

midnight snack

2009-02-27T10:31:00.002-08:00

late night phone conversations with friends are always fun.

mark: *snores*
mike: *listens*

[two minutes later]

mark: ugh, i'm drooling!
mike: haha. it's ok. i drool all the time.
mark: *slurp* omg, i just slurped up my drool!
mike: ew!

storytime

2009-02-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

yesterday a little boy walked into a candy shop. he knew what he wanted. he always knows what he wants. he'd been waiting for this rare candy for years. he just wanted to see if it came in yet. it was the same routine. walk in, ask if it was in yet, leave empty handed yet with high hopes that it'll come the next day. the candy was well worth the wait. there's no question about it. there's no changing it one bit.

until yesterday.

you see, there was this candy that everyone had been talking about it. everyone tasted it, loved it, and wouldn't stop talking about it. how sweet it was. how satisfying it was. how sensational it was. the little boy heard it all before, but never wanted to give in because he was waiting for the rare candy. his rare candy.

yesterday he caved in. he was so tired of waiting he bought one piece of the popular candy. he ate it and quickly found out the truth.

it was sweet. it was satisfying. it was sensational.

yet, it was also small and didn't last long at all.

it became bitter. it became unsatisfying. it became dull.

although saddened by the fact that he caved in and questioned himself and what he believed in, the boy knew for certain that his rare candy would be all that he'd ever need.

and so it goes, he waits patiently once more.

color

2009-02-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

this endless gray
always seems to stay
even as the seasons change.
the lack of pitch black
and non-sight of blinding white
doesn't seem right at all.
answers usually don't fall
into our laps, but perhaps
this is why gray never fades.

give us burning red instead,
or orange's tangy tone.
place yellow's warm welcome home
next to green's longing need to grow.
the shades of blue never end
while purple transcends
into its own community
and brings each color with it
into perfect unity.

but gray, this endless gray,
always seems to stay
even as the seasons change.

michael van nguyen
02 | 21 | 09

chasing pavements

2009-02-21T13:12:00.000-08:00

i've made up my mind,
don't need to think it over,
if i'm wrong i am right,
don't need to look no further,
this ain't lust,
i know this is love, but

if i tell the world,
i'll never say enough,
'cause it was not said to you,
and that's exactly what i need to do,
if i'm in love with you

should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements,
even if it leads nowhere,
or would it be a waste,
even if i knew my place,
should i leave it there?

oh i build myself up,
and fly around in circles,
waiting as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle,
finally could this be it, or

should i give up,
or should i just keep chasing pavements,
even if it leads nowhere,
or would it be a waste,
even if i knew my place,
should i leave it there?

[adele - chasing pavements]

a defining moment

2009-02-20T12:43:00.000-08:00

what defines us?

our surroundings?
our direct community?
our friends and family?
our life experiences?
our ethics, morals, and values?

what is it that defines us?

i'll tell you one thing. i'm sick and tired of finding validation of myself in anything or anyone else but myself. it's going to be a rough journey for me to look to myself for complete happiness because of how i've been programmed by certain people these past few years, but i think it's possible. giving my all to someone else rather than myself seems pointless right now. i'm giving my all to me.

conclusion: i define myself.

back to basics

2009-02-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

mike's back and stronger than ever before.

just try and get on my level.

epic fail.

rhyme and reason

2009-02-17T23:25:00.000-08:00

our lives entwined
as i entered yours
and you entered mine
with no sign of resign.

well, the sign came, and it read REALITY CHECK.

i truly feel that we enter the lives of others for a reason. whether it's a simple smile or decades of friendship, i truly feel there is a reason for it all. eventually we do say our goodbyes to some people, but it's all part of the plan. or is it?

what if we don't want to say goodbye? don't we have a say?

it seems unfair to me that certain factors in life can make a decision for us that we necessarily don't agree with or want. i just don't know if we should let it go or fight for it. if we let it go, is it giving up? and if we fight for it, is it a useless fight?

conclusion: i'm going to fight. eggs and all.

empty

2009-02-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

it's fact. you can only give so much of yourself to someone until eventually you run dry. as much as you try your hardest to squeeze anything else out, you realize that you've given all you can, and if that still doesn't meet someone's expectations, well, as harsh as it sounds, you just have to face the fact that it really isn't going to work.

but is this giving up? or merely facing the fact that it's useless no matter how hard you try?

i guess it depends on the situation. i find myself saddened and depressed with the realization that time and distance won the match when it comes to the situation i'm in. as determined as i am to make things work, the cards just weren't in my favor. i went all in and lost.

conclusion: if your bottle is empty, it's empty. stop squeezing.